A voice behind Derek said: ‘The answer is me, young urchin. I, the Father Of The Club, would want to support a team called Colney Butts.’
Bill turned and saw the man who’d founded Watford Rovers in 1881. He said: ‘Oh, hello, Henry.’
Derek said: ‘Hello, Mr Grover, sir.’
Henry said: ‘I think it’s a splendid name. I like “Butts”. I love the feel of “Butts” on my tongue. Don’t you, Bill, old thing?’
Bill replied awkwardly: ‘Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that, Henry. But, actually, I must admit that, when I look up and see the name on the back of the stand up there, I like the way it works like a place name on an old map. “Colney Butts.” It’s saying we recognise and respect the historic character of our home. I rather like it.’
‘Excellent, old kitten,’ Henry said happily. ‘I’m glad we agree on something for once.’
Derek, though, didn’t agree. He complained: ‘But we’re a major English football club, Mr Grover and Mr Mainwood, sirs. We can’t have a name with the word “Butts” in it. I’d die of shame, sirs. Well, I would if I wasn’t dead already, sirs.’
Bill said: ‘I’m sorry, but I have to say I like what the name stands for, my boy. I’m really not keen on the way football’s been going recently — with nation-states buying up clubs to compete around the world. Re-naming Watford Football Club as Colney Butts Football Club shows how much we value our local ties. It grounds us.’
‘It doesn’t ground us, sir, it buries us, sir — as a credible football club, sir! This is an absolute disaster, sir!
There was another voice behind them: ‘Excuse me.’
They turned and saw Jed, a Watford fan who’d been a farm labourer in the 19th century.
Jed said: ‘Hello, Bill. Hello, Derek. Hello, Henry. Is there a problem?
‘Ah, hello there, Jed, old bumpkin,’ Henry said. ‘No, there’s no problem at all. We were just admiring—’
‘Yes, Mr Jed, sir,’ Derek interrupted, ‘there definitely is a problem. Look up there, Mr Jed, sir.’
Jed looked up at the back of the stand. ‘Well, I’ll be jiggered! Colney Butts! That’s marvellous!’
‘What?’ Derek squeaked. ‘Not you too?’
Jed said: ‘It takes me back to when I were a lad in the 1800s. The road we’re standing on weren’t called Vicarage Road — it were just a track across farmland. This were all meadows. The only buildings were a tavern and a couple of cottages — plus Colney Butts House, the farm house.’
Bill chipped in: ‘And now the place has its own football team, Jed. It’s like we’re a village club now. The whole thing’s lovely.’
Derek squawked in outrage: ‘Are you out of your mind, Mr Mainwood, sir? I like being a Town Club, but not a Village Club! You’ll have us playing in a Farmers’ League next, sir!’
‘But I’ve always liked the fact that Watford are a smaller club,’ Bill insisted. ‘And renaming it as Colney Butts makes the club feel more intimate — more in touch with the fans.’
‘And I like being a smaller club too, sir, but Colney Butts wasn’t even big enough to be called a village, sir! We wouldn’t be a “village club” — we’d be a “hamlet club”, sir!’
‘I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss, my boy. Think of Manchester United fans protesting against their club’s ownership and wearing the yellow and green colours from when the club was called Newton Heath. I’m sure they’d love it if United adopted its old name again.’
‘Of course they wouldn’t, sir. Newton Heath was literally a heath, sir. A renamed United wouldn’t even be a “hamlet club” — they’d be a “wild patch of uncultivated land club”.’
‘Golly, I rather like the sound of that,’ Bill purred.
Henry decided to take control of the conversation. ‘Well, we clearly have a majority in favour, gentlemen. Chin up, Derek, young loser. After all, you love quizzes — and from now on the club formerly known as Watford will be an answer to the quiz question about football clubs with two words in their name where the second word is unique. There used to be Villa, Forest, Hotspur, Argyle, Wednesday, Stanley, Dons, Alexandra, Vale, and Orient — and now you can add Butts to the list. It’s charismatic.’
‘It’s catastrophic, is what it is, Mr Grover, sir!’ Derek squealed.
‘Nonsense, young rascal,’ Henry chuckled. ‘It’s a marvellous name. So much so that I think we should rename our afterlife accordingly… Yes… It pleases me to think that I’ll now be spending eternity in a Butts Heaven.’
HORNET HEAVEN 