Bill and Derek made their way down Yellow Brick Road to the IT department in the offices beneath the Rookery Stand.
Derek said: ‘While we walk, sir, perhaps I could try to answer your question, sir — about whether there’s a consistent thing that makes us attach ourselves to our club, sir.’
‘Yes, I’d like to hear your view, my boy,’ Bill said. ‘What is our DNA? Or, to put it another way, what makes us Watfordy?’
‘Oh God, sir — don’t use the word “Watfordy”, sir!’ Derek moaned. ‘It makes me think about letting in late goals, sir, or sacking managers, sir, or not winning a major trophy, sir. I’m much more interested in whether there are deeper things that attract fans like us, sir. For example, sir, I’d say we’ve always been a club with a local appeal, sir.’
‘Yes. That explains why I liked the idea of the name change to Colney Butts.’
‘Or, alternatively, sir, maybe you could say we’ve had a consistent playing identity, sir. When the club first got started, sir, the players ran and battled, sir. And, a hundred years later, sir, Graham Taylor got us playing in a similar style, sir — to great success, sir. Maybe running and battling is still a part of our DNA in the 2020s, sir — which is why you hated it recently when all our players were ambling around and passing the ball back to our defenders all the time, sir.’
They arrived at the IT department. Derek said to Bill: ‘OK, sir… Let me deal with this, Mr Mainwood, sir.’
They entered, and Derek said: ‘Hello, Mr Roy From IT, sir.’
Roy From I.T. looked up from a computer screen and replied in his usual nasal tones: ‘Oh, hello, Derek. Hello, Bill. Have you tried switching it off and on?’
Derek frowned. ‘Switching what off and on, Mr Roy From IT, sir?’
Roy chuckled. ‘Just a little in-joke — for the IT in-crowd. How can I help?’
Derek set out the problem. ‘We’ve noticed some very strange changes in Hornet Heaven, Mr Roy From IT, sir. The club’s name has changed from Watford to Colney Butts on the signs around us — and also on old programmes and at old games, sir. And there are some weird abnormalities, sir: the test match in 1901 is cricket instead of football, and Tracey Clarke is a woman, sir.’
Roy chuckled again. ‘That sounds quite amusing.’
‘Actually, Mr Roy From IT, sir, it isn’t, sir. The name change has raised concerning questions for Mr Mainwood and myself about the club’s very identity — about who we are, Mr Roy From IT, sir.’
‘But we’re all Watford, aren’t we?’
‘But what does that even mean, Mr Roy From IT, sir, if we’re not called Watford anymore?’
‘Well, personally I support them because they’re the team my Dad supported and the team all my friends in the town supported. That’s their identity for me. Whatever the club might choose to call itself at any point in time, I’ll still have continuity… I reckon you’re over-thinking this, lads.’
Derek turned to Bill and said: ‘Crikey — maybe we are, Mr Mainwood, sir. Are we, sir?’
Bill scratched his head and said: ‘I don’t know.’
Derek continued: ‘If I think about it like Mr Roy From IT, Mr Mainwood, sir, I’d say that I started supporting Watford because they were the only professional football club in walking distance of my house, sir. That’s what made them my team, Mr Mainwood, sir.’
‘Well, that’s a simple way of looking at it, I suppose.’
‘And once they were my team, Mr Mainwood, sir, the fact that they were my team over-ruled anything else, sir. I was able to adjust to changes to where we played and what colours we played in, sir.’
‘Yes,’ Bill said, thoughtfully. ‘Maybe that’s the way forward, my boy — to accept that we have to adapt.’
Derek turned back to Roy. ‘Anyway, back to the problem, Mr Roy From IT, sir. Can you explain what’s been going on, Mr Roy From IT, sir — with all these corruptions of reality?’
Roy replied: ‘Yes, I think I can… You see, I’ve been training an AI model to help run Hornet Heaven. I’m planning to bring in Artificial Intelligence because—
Bill interrupted jovially: ‘Because you think there isn’t enough Real Intelligence in the way Watford Football Club is being run, down on earth?’
‘Very droll, Bill,’ Roy replied, ‘but no. My reasons for developing AI are very similar to those of the big technology companies down on earth — simply because I can… Anyway, I’ll have to look into it, but it sounds like one of my team may have given the model premature access to the main system, and it may have started correcting what it thought were anomalies — like a test match not being a cricket match, and someone called Tracey not being a woman.’
‘And like a club in Colney Butts not being called Colney Butts, Mr Roy From IT, sir?’ Derek asked.
‘Yes, probably,’ Roy answered. ‘Some of the datasets I used for training the model were historic local maps.’
‘Right, sir. Well that would explain the situation, sir. And can you get things back to normal, Mr Roy From IT, sir? Can you reset the system, sir?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good, sir. How, sir?’
‘By, um… Well… By switching it off and on, actually.’
Derek felt satisfied that the solution to the day’s problems had been identified.
‘Well, please tell your team to hurry up and do it, Mr Roy From IT, sir. Tell them to get their butts in gear, sir.’
HORNET HEAVEN 