Another Watford Head Coach has got the bullet. The latest to be dispatched is Paulo Pezzolano.
It’s another new case for the Hornet Heaven ‘Tuesday Murder Club’.
* * *
The three members of the Tuesday Murder Club have assembled in the Hornet Heaven programme office. They only meet when a Watford Head Coach is sacked. It isn’t *every* Tuesday, but it feels like it.
‘Right, gentlemen,’ Bill Mainwood says. ‘We meet again. I’m hearing word there’s another corpse down on earth.’
‘Several corpses, actually, Mr Mainwood, sir,’ 13-year-old Derek Garston says.
‘Correct, Derek, young stripling,’ Henry Grover agrees. ‘The whole team have been playing like corpses for weeks.’
‘I meant Paulo Pezzolano’s coaching staff, Mr Grover, sir.’
Bill says: ‘Yes. As usual, it was a multiple assassination. What were their names?’
‘I’ve no idea, sir. I don’t think anyone ever actually knew.’
Henry says: ‘Hmm, intriguing. The identities of the victims remain shrouded in mystery.’
‘Unlike the perpetrator, Mr Grover, sir.’
‘Yes, it’s always Gino Pozzo at the training ground with a P45. It would make for a very dull game of Cluedo.’
Bill asks: ‘And do we know the exact body count?’
‘This time, sir,’ Derek asks, ‘or in total since the serial killer began his spree in 2013, sir?’
Henry sighs: ‘The collateral damage among the fitness coach and masseur communities has been tragic.’
Bill gets out a pen and paper, ready to take notes on the meeting. He says: ‘Well, I suppose the precise number of people that Gino Pozzo has butchered doesn’t matter. We’re only here to establish his motive. As always, the Tuesday Murder Club has gathered to solve not a “whodunnit”, but a “whydunnit”.’
* * *
An hour later, Bill feels he should try to bring the meeting to a conclusion.
He says: ‘Well, gentlemen, we’ve covered a lot of ground in our search for Gino’s motive. Discussions have been — how shall I put it? — “feisty”.’
‘Mr Grover has been even more horrible to me than Paulo Pezzalano was to our star players, sir,’ Derek complains.
Bill says: ‘If I can try to summarise… We got off to an interesting start when Derek pointed out that none of Gino Pozzo’s Head Coaches have lasted more than 75 games, suggesting they were bad appointments in the first place.’
Henry interrupts: ‘Not interesting, Bill. And not relevant. This is the Tuesday Murder Club. We’re looking for malice aforethought, not recruitment incompetence.’
‘But you did seem to appreciate Derek’s next point, Henry, when he asked whether we think the owner believes in deliberate chaos as his preferred management approach. You made the point that it’s a very common tactic used by tyrants and despots and—’
Henry interrupted again: ‘I liked it until Derek piped up that chaos is the way that I, as Father of The Club, run Hornet Heaven — implying that *I’m* a tyrant and despot.’
‘That was when you clipped me around the ear, Mr Grover, sir. You hurt me, sir,’ Derek wails.
‘Yes, that did get a bit out of hand,’ Bill says. ‘And things didn’t improve, did they Henry, when you suggested that sacking managers is just the Italian way, and Derek pointed out that Carlo Ancelotti was at AC Milan for more than seven years, and Gian Piero Gasperini was at Atalanta for nearly nine years. Which resulted in another, um, rough and tumble.’
‘You hurt me again, Mr Grover, sir.’
‘Stop fussing, boy. The Tuesday Murder Club didn’t end in a murder.’
‘Only because I’m dead already.’
Bill tries to calm things down. ‘Now, now… Anyway… Then we moved on to discuss motives specific to the case of Paulo Pezzolano. We wondered if Gino’s promotion ambitions made the early season results and performances… how did you put it, Henry?’
‘“Punishable by death.”’
‘Yes, that was the phrase.’
‘It was an extremely reasonable observation given how terrible the football has been.’
‘It was a ridiculous exaggeration, Mr Grover, sir. You showed the same lack of respect that many Watford fans showed Paulo Pezzolano, sir.’
‘Pah, you’re just a killjoy, boy. One of my favourite singalongs is “You don’t know what you’re doing!”’
‘And you’re just a bigot, Mr Grover, sir,’ Derek snaps. ‘You know far less than a qualified Head Coach, sir. Fans like you should be singing “*WE* don’t know what you’re doing!”’
At this point, Bill temporarily halts proceedings of the Tuesday Murder Club until two of the club members have calmed down.
* * *
A few minutes later, Bill decides to suspend the meeting until another day. He wanted the three of them to weigh up all the possible factors in Pezzolano’s termination, including his style of football and man-management, but the mood in the room has been all wrong.
Bill says: ‘Right, gentlemen. I’ve decided we should re-convene the Tuesday Murder Club in a week’s time, when tempers are less frayed. Unfortunately, Gino Pozzo’s approach to Head Coaches has caused conflict and upset among Watford supporters — not just down on earth, but in the Hornet Heaven programme office too. There’s been some very ugly behaviour.’
Derek and Henry look chastened.
‘Sorry, Mr Mainwood, sir.’
‘Yes, sorry, Bill, old mammal. Poor show on my part.’
Bill says: ‘It’s a shame, because football is something we’re meant to enjoy. I’m so bored of the constant coaching upheaval. It’s stopping me feeling a connection to the club.’
‘Absolutely, Mr Mainwood, sir,’ Derek agrees. ‘And it creates cover for the owner, sir. Supporters argue with each other over whether the coach deserves to be sacked, Mr Mainwood, sir, when, if anything, they should be arguing with Gino Pozzo’s whole approach, sir.’
‘I agree with you there, young urchin,’ Henry says. ‘When you think about it, it’s Gino Pozzo that’s ultimately causing Watford fans to be dissatisfied — not the Head Coaches at all.’
Henry ruminates on this for a moment and adds: ‘Goodness, what a piece of work he actually is.’
‘Well, let’s not get het up again because of him, Henry,’ Bill says. ‘He’s caused enough upset already. Let’s leave these discussions for a Tuesday Murder Club session next week.’
Bill tidies up his notes from the meeting and stands up, but Henry hasn’t finished.
‘By golly, Bill, I’m seeing things much more clearly now. Gino Pozzo is the cad of the whole piece! A cad of the most unscrupulous kidney!’
‘Not now, Henry,’ Bill says. ‘Let’s do this next week.’
‘He’s a… a bounder,’ Henry continues, trying to find the right word. ‘He’s a… a…’
‘See you next Tuesday,’ Bill says.
Derek gasps.
‘Crikey, Mr Mainwood, sir. That’s putting it strongly.’
‘Good heavens,’ Henry says, shocked. ‘Very strong meat indeed!’
‘What?’ Bill stutters. ‘No.. Golly, no.. I didn’t mean—’
‘Although, come to think of it, Bill, old thing—’
‘I… I just meant… I meant we should re-convene the Tuesday Murder Club in a week’s time—’
‘Come to think of it, Bill, perhaps you’re not so far off.’
Henry heads for the door and says with a knowing smile: ‘See you next Tuesday — wouldn’t you say, Derek, young whippersnapper?’
Derek replies with a giggle: ‘See you next Tuesday, Mr Grover, sir.’
Henry leaves the room. When he’s gone, Bill sighs and says:
‘Oh dear, my boy… That was a bit… Yes…. Still… At least we eventually found something you two could rally around.’
THE END
‘The Tuesday Murder Club’ was written by Olly Wicken.
For more information on the Hornet Heaven stories, please visit HornetHeaven.com
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